before -
I think I'm falling for you I'm not in love yet.
I'm hungover. Maybe I'm too emotional today.
Maybe I'll fall in love with your idea. I barely know you anyway. It's only been a few months, and certainly 3-4 months is the scientific average, but - no. I don’t have “romantic” feelings for people. Statistically, probably not. Not for me, okay? But something is fucking with my neurochemicals. And it could be your pheromones and unconscious evolutionists, and I have a hard time caring.
I couldn't even list the reasons why I like you.
That's a lie. Of course I can.
Those blue eyes that never judge and the veins popping out of your forearms that you keep track of me obsessively and that you always seem surprised when you smile and the raw feeling in my gut when you sing (especially when you surprise me with Taylor Swift) and the way I really listen when I talk.
But it can't be this . now . It 's a warm feeling around my lungs. This is a hornet for my shoulder blades. And that doesn't sound like something that can be easily diagnosed. So I'm not sure what this is. It may also be an early sign of a stroke.
Plus, if I fell on you, which part of my brain would light up on an MRI? I mean, you might not feel the same because it's hard to read you, and I'm not used to it, but it's becoming one of my favorites.
So how long until this is over? One summer evening, a girl crashes into orbit and becomes bored, begging for a quick, life-saving favor... Didn't you leave? The girl with constantly icy fingers and dark circles waiting under her eyes, bleeding skin, torn, shattered bones would make her cringe, so she's always trying too hard to grab her stitches. Do you somehow have the patience to coax yourself as if you are the lion in the fable and somehow it works?
I think you have the power to hurt me. badly.
I don't fall in love. I can't. But I think you can see it on the horizon. The evidence suggests this may be a two-way street, but getting your hopes up is always foolish. Until the other person says something truly obvious. Even you can somehow believe it.
but.
But you ended up kissing me from a stranger's rant after we left your friend's party. I was so dressed up that night. 'D was waiting for you to do that and maybe it's just a one-liner, but maybe you've found that waiting with me helps me hold on until I find my feet (or until I go blind ). It's something and still you keep coming back.
I'm scared. But I won't run. Not yet.
No, the fact that I'm horrified doesn't mean I hate who invented a tangible physical response to something as temporary as an emotion ? I can't do this. I'm still too raw to put my defenses up all the way. To completely put my “everything is completely, 100% okay” persona in place.
no. stop. no. It won't run. Not yet. Not today. When I don't recognize this, it's not like this I can't put a noun in it. Because I don't like jumping off cliffs into the unknown?
Doesn't that tend to get me into trouble?
You are all kinds of unknown. And I was hooked.
Come together .
After all, since when have I let those little alarm bells in my head stop me? I feel like I'm going to fall, please, please, put my hands down because I like bad thoughts.
later?
I hope I haven't given up on the opportunity for a fairy tale. Maybe we could actually have one. In this era. somehow. Still wondering about you, hating myself, telling myself I'm the best, and wishing both sides of myself would shut up.
Of course, they couldn't if I screwed them up.
Now I still question whether I can still love. If only I could still be loved. If only there was someone in the world who could handle this horrible, disgusting, scary (and scary) thing. If there is a reason why someone wants it. I wonder how anyone would qualify, let alone someone who could accompany Jupiter's moons with the same breath he would use to swallow a half flask of whiskey. I wonder if being alone is ultimately my prize for not choosing the inappropriate, inappropriate, and unlikely possibility. Well, at least you're safe alone.
but.
We both had a hard time staying alone. And this time , are we really done? I mean, I haven't even convinced you yet how glorious your smile is. Before we're over, if it's over this time, before I let go and let the world ruin us for good, I have to at least do that. You should at least try it .
And of course (our pair is still dancing to the movement of the magnet, but I don't know which of us is which), you let me.
later.
This time I really broke down.
I think you'll finally ask why I kept coming back to it in the first place, for making noises that made me still little more than frightened prey. Then, halfway through, when I didn't know what I wanted; And later, when I didn't know how to trust you - why did you keep coming back ?
You don't give me the answer.
But this time, he is older. I know you well enough to know what it means, because even when you're struggling to communicate, always tell the truth, even if it's bad. I know you are not looking for indifferent words. I know it. So why are you afraid now to admit that you fell for me?
And God, why do I let your hesitation inspire the smallest, most terrible, trace amount ?
… again?
Are you in the mood for bad thoughts too?