The emotion comes from the love that the older generation has for their grandchildren, which is enough to pluck the stars from the sky; the headache comes from the fact that this love sometimes clashes with our parenting philosophy, creating sparks and turning the home into a battlefield. You want your child to eat organic vegetables, but the elders think "not eating leftovers is wasteful"; you want your child to explore on their own, but the elders insist on feeding them by hand, constantly repeating "you need to eat well to grow strong." The gap in these beliefs is not just a little bit, it's like the distance between two planets. So what can we do? We can't really fall out with our parents or in-laws, can we? Today, let's talk about how to turn this "parenting war" into peace, making the elders happy while maintaining our own parenting principles, and ensuring the child isn't caught in the middle as collateral damage.

First, we need to understand one thing: the elders' views on raising children are not intentionally opposing you, but rather a reflection of the "survival wisdom" from their era. For example, they always think children need to eat well and stay warm, which is a remnant of the scarcity of resources back in the day. When you tell them "eating less can prevent obesity," they might look confused, thinking, "This child is as thin as a stick, and you want them to eat less? Are we trying to starve them?" So the first strategy is not to rush into arguments about right and wrong, but to first build a connection and find common ground. For instance, you could say, "Mom and Dad, you raised me so well back then, and now that conditions are better, we can let the child eat healthier, right?" Once you say this, the elders will feel comfortable, and the tension in their hearts will ease. Then you can smoothly discuss the benefits of "healthy eating," without throwing scientific parenting theories at them directly, as that might scare them away. We need to coax the elders like we would a child, using a softer tone and sweeter expressions; this approach is definitely more effective than cold, hard reasoning.

Next, don’t just talk the talk; you need to involve the elders in the action. If you want the child to eat less salt and sugar, don’t just shout "Dad, don’t give the child so many sweets," you need to take the initiative to cook and demonstrate. For example, you could organize a "family healthy meal day" on the weekend, getting your parents involved in making some sugar-free cookies or low-salt vegetable soup. While cooking, you should compliment them: "Mom, your knife skills are amazing, your vegetables are cut more evenly than mine!" When the elders feel happy and involved, they will gradually be more willing to accept your new methods. The key is that this strategy can also divert their attention; while they are busy making dough with you, they won’t have time to stuff chocolates into the child’s mouth. You can also secretly tell the child, "Sweetheart, today we are cooking with Grandma and Grandpa, and after this, we won’t eat any candy, okay?" Once the child hears there’s a "mission," they will cooperate very well. With the family happily working together, who has time to argue?

Now let’s talk about the idea of "letting the child do it themselves." We modern people emphasize cultivating independence, but to the elders, if a child falls, it’s a huge deal. When you say "let them get up by themselves," they will rush over to pick them up, checking multiple times to see if they are hurt. If you directly counter with "stop spoiling them," the elders will definitely roll their eyes: "I’m just worried about my grandchild, what do you know?" At this point, you need to use a "tactical retreat." For example, you can pretend to be very busy and say, "Mom, I’m busy cooking, if the child falls, let them try to get up by themselves first." Then you can sneak a peek from the kitchen; at first, the elders will be worried, but if the child manages to get up after a few tries, they will gradually realize, "Oh, this little one is quite capable!" You can then seize the moment to praise them: "Mom, look how well you’re taking care of the child; this independence is how it’s cultivated!" When the elders hear this, they will feel pleased and think they played a significant role, making them less anxious the next time this situation arises. The key to this strategy is not to be forceful; let the elders "discover" that your method is good on their own, and they will be more convinced.

Also, when communicating, learn to "embed your thoughts." What does this mean? It means don’t always directly say "what you’re doing is wrong," but rather hide your ideas within jokes or stories. For example, if the elders always let the child watch TV and you don’t want them to damage their eyes, but you also don’t want to confront them directly. You could peel an apple while pretending to chat: "Oh, I read an article yesterday that said kids today watch too much TV and will need glasses when they grow up, just like when I was a child, staring at a black-and-white TV every day, everything looks blurry now." After saying this, you can sigh: "I really don’t want our little one to end up like me." When the elders hear this, they will find it reasonable without feeling blamed, and will gradually be more willing to cooperate. You can then casually hand over a picture book: "Dad, could you read this story to the child? Your voice is nice, and the child will definitely love it." Doesn’t this push out the TV time? You offend no one while achieving your goal, which is simply killing two birds with one stone.

Of course, sometimes the elders can be particularly stubborn and won’t listen no matter what you say. What then? Don’t worry, we have the "retreat to advance" strategy. For example, if they insist on dressing the child in three layers of sweaters, no matter how much you explain, they will still think "what if they get cold?" At this point, don’t argue; just say, "Alright, Mom and Dad, you’re right, let’s dress them warmly today." Then you can secretly observe; if the child sweats from being overdressed, the elders will also feel something is off. When they start to mutter "it seems a bit hot," you can casually say, "Yes, with the heating so strong now, maybe two layers are enough." At this point, they will change their minds on their own without you needing to say much. Or you could be bolder and take the child out for a play, and when you come back all sweaty, the elders will naturally relent upon seeing the situation. The benefit of this strategy is that you don’t have to be the bad guy; the change that the elders "realize" themselves is a hundred times more effective than forcing them to change.

Speaking of which, we must mention a classic scenario: the elders love to compare with "other people's children." For example, when you say "don’t always feed the child snacks," they immediately counter: "The neighbor’s Wang family’s grandson is chubby and healthy; look at your child, they’re as thin as a rail." When this is said, your blood pressure might spike, but don’t rush to explode. You can respond with a smile: "Oh, Dad, you’re complimenting me; our little one is slim and fashionable. Haven’t you seen that little thin legs are in vogue now?" Once you say this, the elders will laugh, and the atmosphere will ease. You can then take the opportunity to change the subject: "But you’re right, we need to eat more nutritious food. How about I make some chicken soup for the child this weekend?" Doesn’t this follow their line of thought while regaining the initiative? To deal with "other people's children," we need to learn to play Tai Chi, neither clashing head-on nor losing ground.

Another thing to discuss is the elders' tendency to "want to control everything." Especially the older generation, who feel experienced and think you "don’t know anything" about raising children. For example, if you want the child to take a nap, they will insist, "If they sleep too much, what will happen at night?" and then drag the child to play until dark. If you directly say "don’t interfere," it will definitely lead to another battle. What to do? We need to find them some "important tasks" to do. For example, you could say, "Mom, could you help me see how to wash this clothing? I can never get it clean, and the child is waiting to wear it." Once they get busy, they won’t have time to keep an eye on the child. You can then take the opportunity to coax the child to sleep, and after it’s done, praise them: "Mom, you’re really my logistics minister, so helpful!" When the elders hear this, they will feel very important, and next time this situation arises, they will be more willing to let you "handle things on your own." What’s this strategy called? It’s called feigning an attack to divert attention, shifting the focus, preserving your own parenting rhythm while making the elders feel appreciated.

Of course, parenting will inevitably have some friction; the key is to learn to "make a big deal small and make small matters disappear." For example, if the elders secretly buy the child a toy that you think is too flashy, but the child is already holding onto it tightly. At this point, don’t just confiscate it and say "why did you buy this again?" That would hurt feelings. You can smile and say, "Dad, your taste is really good; I didn’t have this toy when I was a child!" Then set a rule with the child: "Sweetheart, we can play with this toy on the weekend, but today let’s play with the blocks, okay?" Once the child hears there’s something to look forward to, they won’t fuss. The elders will see how you handle it and think you have a method. Isn’t this a win-win situation? When encountering small conflicts, don’t rush to escalate them into principle issues; a bit of humor and patience can resolve anything.

Let’s also talk about "time management." Sometimes the elders have no fixed schedule for raising children; today they feed the child at nine, tomorrow they’ll say the child is hungry at eight, and looking at this chaotic routine can drive you crazy. But if you directly say "why don’t you feed them on time," they will definitely retort: "Didn’t we raise you like this?" At this point, you need to use a bit of "cleverness." For example, create a big schedule chart, stick it on the wall, writing "8 AM breakfast, 12 PM lunch, 2 PM nap," and then pretend to ask: "Mom, how does this schedule look? I’m afraid I’m not doing it right; could you help me keep an eye on it?" Once the elders see this "important task," they will feel needed and will be more proactive in following through. You can also occasionally compliment them: "Mom, your sense of time is much better than mine!" When they feel happy, they will take this task as their own. You save your breath while regaining control of the rhythm; it’s simply perfect.

In fact, the differences in the elders' views on raising children ultimately stem from generational gaps. We need to have some empathy and not always think they are "outdated"; their methods were also carefully thought out back in their day. If you understand their good intentions, they will also be willing to listen to your new ideas. For example, you could say, "Mom and Dad, you had it tough back then; now I can also learn from your good methods and add some new things, so we can raise the child even better together." Once you say this, the elders will feel touched, and you can gradually introduce your own ideas, making them less resistant. After all, who doesn’t want a harmonious family?

In conclusion, parenting doesn’t have absolute right or wrong, only what is suitable or unsuitable. The elders' hearts are warm, and your ideas are new; how to blend these two together requires a bit of wisdom and humor. You need to be like a director, making the elders feel like the stars while guiding the plot according to your script. The child, meanwhile, is the little audience of this play, watching you all fuss around and ultimately growing up happily. Isn’t this the result we want? So next time you find yourself arguing with the elders about parenting, don’t rush to show your displeasure; try these strategies, and you’ll surely have less smoke and more laughter at home. Life, after all, is meant to be lived this way.