I am moved because the love of the older generation for their grandchildren can literally pluck the stars from the sky; I am troubled because this love sometimes collides with our parenting philosophy, causing sparks to fly and making our home feel like a battlefield. If you want your children to eat organic vegetables, your elders will think "don't waste leftovers"; if you want your children to explore on their own, your elders will have to feed you with your hands, and they will say, "Only when you are full can you have the strength to grow up." This concept is not even a little bit different, it is simply a distance between two planets. What to do? You can't really fall out with your parents or parents-in-law, right? Let’s talk today about how we can turn conflicts into friendship in this “parenting war”, not only make our elders happy, but also protect our own parenting bottom line, and prevent our children from being caught in the middle and become cannon fodder.

First of all, you have to understand one thing: the elders’ concept of raising children is not deliberately against you, but the “survival wisdom” of their time. For example, they always think that children must be fed and clothed, which is a mark left by the scarcity of materials in those days. If you tell them "eat less to avoid obesity," they may look confused after hearing this, thinking to themselves: "This kid is as thin as a bamboo pole, and he still eats less? Is he going to starve to death?" So the first step is not to rush to argue about right and wrong, but first to get closer and find common ground. For example, you can say: "Mom and Dad, how well you raised me back then. Now that the conditions are better, we can make our children eat healthier, right?" As soon as you say this, the elders will feel comfortable and feel relaxed. When you talk about the benefits of "healthy eating", don't just throw in the big principles of "scientific parenting", as that will easily scare them away. We have to coax our elders like children, with a softer tone and a sweeter expression. The effect is definitely better than being cold and reasonable.

Next, don’t just talk without practicing, you must bring your elders to do it together. Don’t you want your children to eat less salt and sugar? Don't just yell "Dad, don't feed your kids so many sweets", you have to cook and set an example yourself. For example, hold a "Family Healthy Meal Conference" on the weekend, and get your parents together to make some sugar-free biscuits, low-salt vegetable soup, and so on. When making it, you have to praise: "Mom, your knife skills are really good, and you can cut the vegetables more evenly than me!" When the elders are happy, they feel that they have a sense of participation, and they will gradually be willing to accept your new way of playing. The key is that this trick also diverts attention. They are busy mixing the dough with you, so they have no time to stuff the child with chocolate. You secretly say to your child: "Baby, today we are cooking with our grandparents. After eating this, we will not eat sweets." Once the child hears that there is a "task", he also cooperates very well. The family is enjoying themselves so much, how can they have time to quarrel?

Let’s talk about “let the children do it themselves”. We modern people pay attention to cultivating independence, but in the eyes of our elders, if a child falls, it is a big deal. You say "let him get up on his own", but they have to rush over and pick him up, and they have to check eight times to see if there is any bump. At this time, if you directly say "Don't spoil him all the time", the elders are guaranteed to roll their eyes: "I feel sorry for my grandson, what do you know?" At this time, you have to use some "detour tactics". For example, you pretend to be busy and shout: "Mom, I'm busy cooking. If the child falls, don't worry about it for now. Let him get up and try." Then you hide in the kitchen and take a peek. The elders will definitely be worried at first, but the child will actually get up after crawling twice, and they will slowly realize: "Hey , this little guy is quite good!" You strike the iron while the iron is hot and praise: "Mom, you are so good at taking care of children. Isn't this how you have developed your independence?" When the elders heard this, they felt happy and felt that they had contributed a lot. They would not be so nervous next time they encounter this situation. The key to this trick is not to force yourself. You have to let the elders "discover" that your method is good, and then they will be convinced.

Also, you have to learn to "include personal information" when communicating. What does it mean? Just don't just say "You're wrong to do this" all the time. Hide your thoughts in jokes or stories. For example, if your elders always watch TV for your children, you don’t want your children’s eyes to be damaged, but you don’t want to tear them directly. You can pretend to chat while peeling the apple: "Oh, I read an article yesterday that said that children now watch too much TV and have to wear glasses when they grow up. Just like when I was a child, they stared at black and white TV every day, and now everything they see is blurry." After saying this, you sigh: "I don't want our baby to be like me in the future." When the elders hear this, they feel it makes sense, and they don't feel that they are being criticized, and they gradually become willing to cooperate. You hand over a picture book and say, "Dad, tell your child this story. Your voice is nice, and your child will definitely like it." Doesn't this take away TV time? It doesn't offend anyone, but it also achieves its goal. It's like killing two birds with one stone.

Of course, sometimes the elders are very stubborn and won’t listen to anything they say, so what should we do? Don't worry, we still have the trick of "retreating to advance". For example, they have to wear three layers of sweaters for their children. If you ask Potian, they also think, "What should I do if I get cold?" At this time, stop arguing and say directly: "Okay, parents, you are right, wear more clothes today." Then you secretly observe that if the child sweats if he wears too much clothes, the elders themselves will feel that something is wrong. When they mutter, "It seems a little hot," you say in an understatement, "Yes, the heating is so strong now, maybe wearing two clothes is enough." At this time, they change their minds on their own, and you don't need to say anything. Or you can be more ruthless and take your children out to play for a while. They will come back sweating profusely. When the elders see this situation, they will naturally relent. What are the benefits of this move? You don’t have to be a bad person. The changes that the elders “enlighten” themselves are a hundred times more effective than if you force them to change.

Speaking of which, I have to mention a classic scene: Elders love to use "other people's children" to suppress you. For example, if you say, "Don't always feed your children snacks," they will immediately counterattack: "The grandson of the old Wang family next door eats so chubby, look at how skinny your child is." As soon as you say this, your blood pressure will rise, but don't be in a hurry to explode. You can reply with a smile: "Oh, dad, you are complimenting me. Our baby is slim and fashionable. Haven't you noticed that thin legs are popular now?" As soon as you say this, the elder will laugh and the atmosphere will relax. You take the opportunity to change the subject: "But you are right. Let's eat more nutritious food. How about I make chicken soup for the kids on the weekend?" Doesn't this follow their train of thought and take back the initiative? To deal with the "other people's children" trick, we have to learn to do Tai Chi, so as not to confront others head-on, but without losing ground.

There is another thing we need to talk about, which is the elders’ mentality of “taking care of everything”. Especially the older generation, who feel that they have rich experience, always think "you don't understand anything" when they see you raising a child. For example, if you want your child to take a nap, they have to say, "What if I don't sleep at night?" and then force the child to play until dark. If you just say "don't worry" at this time, it will definitely lead to another big war. What to do? We have to find something "business" for them to do. For example, you can say: "Mom, please help me see how to wash these clothes. I always can't wash them clean, and the child is still waiting to wear them." Once they get busy, they don't have time to keep an eye on the child. You take the opportunity to coax the child to sleep, and after the work is done, praise: "Mom, you are really my logistics manager, you are so awesome!" When the elders hear this, they feel that they are very important. Next time this happens again, they will be willing to let you "take charge of it alone". What's this move called? Making excuses in the east and attacking in the west, diverting firepower not only maintains one's own parenting rhythm, but also makes the elders feel that they have not been left out.

Of course, parenting cannot be completely frictionless. The key is to learn to "reduce big things into small things, and make small things into small things." For example, if an elder secretly buys a toy for a child, and you think it is too fancy, the child will not let go. Don't just confiscate it at this time, and tell your elders, "Why are you buying random things again?" That would hurt feelings. You can say with a smile: "Dad, you are so discerning. Why didn't I play with this toy when I was a kid?" Then set a rule with the child: "Baby, let's play with this toy on the weekend. How about we play with building blocks today?" When the child hears that there is hope, he will stop making trouble. The elders see you handling it this way and think you are organized. Wouldn’t this make everyone happy? When you encounter a small conflict, don't rush to magnify it into a matter of principle. Use humor and a little patience, and everything can be overcome.

Let’s talk about “time management” again. Elders sometimes fail to take care of their children on time. Today they feed their children until nine o'clock, but tomorrow they complain that they are hungry at eight o'clock. You look at this messy schedule and your mentality is shattered. But if you directly say "Why don't you feed them on time?", they will definitely be dissatisfied: "Didn't we do the same thing when we took you in?" At this time, you have to be a little clever. For example, make a big schedule, put it on the wall, write "Breakfast at 8 o'clock, lunch at 12 o'clock, nap at 2 o'clock", and then pretend to ask for advice: "Mom, what do you think of these times? I'm afraid that I can't do it well, can you help me keep an eye on it?" When the elders see this "important task", they immediately feel that they are needed, and they are more active in executing it than you are. From time to time you praise: "Mom, you have a much better sense of time than me!" Once they are happy, they regard this as a task completed. As for you, you saved your words and regained your rhythm. It was perfect.

In fact, elders have different views on raising children. In the final analysis, it is the generation gap that is at play. We have to have some empathy and don't always think of them as "old-fashioned". Their methods were also worked out with great effort back then. The more you understand their good intentions, the more likely they will be willing to listen to your new ideas. For example, you can say: "Mom and Dad, how difficult it was for you back then. Now I can learn from your good methods and add some new things. Let's raise our children better together." As soon as you say this, the elders will be moved. If you slowly infiltrate your own ideas, they will not be so repulsive. After all, who doesn’t want a harmonious family?

In the end, when it comes to parenting, there is no absolute right or wrong, only appropriateness or inappropriateness. The hearts of the elders are warm, and your ideas are new. How to combine the two requires wisdom and humor. You have to be like a director, who can not only make the elders feel that they are the leading actors, but also make the plot follow your script. As for children, they are the little spectators of this scene. Watching you make trouble, you can grow up happily in the end. Isn't this the result we want? So, next time you have a quarrel with your elders over raising children, don’t rush to lose face. Try these tricks and make sure there is less smoke and more laughter in your home. Well, isn’t this how we have to live our lives?