The answer is often not black and white, but hidden in the chaos of daily life. As a parent, who hasn’t experienced that moment of collapse when “you’ve been told eight hundred times and still don’t listen”? Either the child is hoarse when shouting, and it goes in one ear and out the other, or the control is too harsh and the child directly plays "cold war mode" with you, without even giving you a look. So, let’s talk about the scale of discipline today, and how you can not pamper your child into a “little emperor” or force him to become a “little rebel”, but also make this little guy willing to rip your heart out.

Let’s talk about the “insufficient management” group first. Does your child occasionally do some "free play" for you? For example, if you asked him to do his homework, he would paint a room full of "abstract murals" for you; if you asked him to tidy up the room, he would just stuff socks under the bed, and he would interpret "order in chaos" as a philosophy of survival. At this time, you may have to reflect: Are you usually too "Buddhist"? If you don't control them enough, your children will easily take your laxity as a pass, thinking, "No one cares about you anyway, I can just do my best." I have a friend who is known as a "free-range parent". As a result, her son used the sofa in the living room as a trampoline and jumped like an Olympic qualifier. In the end, the sofa collapsed. She later realized: "Oh, it seems I need to set some rules." Children's nature is to test the bottom line. If you don't draw a line, he can jump to the ceiling for you.

But do you think everything will be fine if you take more care of it? That's not necessarily the case. Too much control will lead to bigger problems. Imagine if you followed your child every day, saying, "Have you done your homework?" "Where are your socks?" "Stop playing with your phone" and "Go to bed." Wouldn't the scene look a bit like Tang Monk vs. Sun Wukong? It’s no wonder the child isn’t annoyed! I have a cousin who can be called a "special soldier in the discipline world." Her daughter is in the third grade of elementary school. Her daily schedule is fuller than that of a CEO: get up at 7 o'clock, have breakfast at 7:30, do homework at 8 o'clock, practice piano at 10 o'clock, make up for lessons in the afternoon, and memorize vocabulary at night. She doesn't even have time to breathe. The result? The little girl now sees her mother as if she were meeting a creditor, with "help" written all over her eyes. Communication? If it doesn't exist, you can at most just snort, not even bothering to pretend to be perfunctory. If you control too much, the child will not be obedient, but will hold it back, and sooner or later it will cause a "big bang in adolescence" for you.

So, how to measure this scale? To put it bluntly, you have to learn to be "relaxed and moderate", neither letting go like a sheep, nor monitoring the entire process like a spy. It sounds simple, but it is more difficult to do. After all, the child is not a remote control car. You press a button and he will obey. We have to have a little strategy, a little humor, and a little patience. Next, I will give you a few tips, which are guaranteed to be both practical and funny, and ensure that your children will gradually be willing to chat with you.

The first trick is called "acting stupid". When your child is disobedient, don't rush to yell, don't rush to put on a posture of "I am your father", and try to act stupid. For example, if he hasn't finished his homework, don't scold him directly. You can say innocently: "Oh, did I forget to tell you yesterday that the teacher would hang you as a decoration at the door of the classroom before he finished his homework? My memory is really sorry for you." As soon as this is said, the child will probably roll his eyes, and then complain that you are "childish" while silently picking up the pen. Why does it work? Because you didn't force him, he was too embarrassed to quit. The core of this trick is to "save the country through curves". Use a little humor to lighten the atmosphere. The child will not think that you are "controlling" him, but that you are having fun.

The second trick is called "choosing the trap". What annoys children the most? It means you directly order him to do this or that. For example, if you say, "Go and do your homework," he will definitely talk back to you: "Why?" At this time, you have to learn to give him some "fake democracy." For example, you can say: "Baby, should you do your homework first or clean the room first today? Choose one." On the surface, you give him the opportunity to choose freely, but in fact, no matter what he chooses, he has to work. This "disguised as discussion" tone can greatly reduce his rebellious psychology. A colleague of mine relied on this method to cure her rebellious little son. Normally, anything he asked him to do seemed like it would kill him. But when she said, "You can either wash the dishes or sweep the floor, it's your choice." The boy actually did it and felt that he was quite independent.

The third move is called "fighting poison with poison". When a child is disobedient, sometimes it is because he thinks you are too "serious" and are not on the same page as him. Then you have to go "crazy" occasionally and play a little contrast with him. For example, if he keeps playing games and won't sleep, instead of yelling "Why aren't you sleeping yet?" you can just sit next to him, grab the controller and say, "Come on, mom will play two games with you. Whoever loses will sleep." What's the result? He couldn't play with you, so he was so angry that he crawled into bed. You have also earned the title of "cool mom". Next time you talk about anything, he may be willing to talk to you. The essence of this trick is that you have to make your child feel that you are not an "opponent" but an ally on the "same front", so he will naturally be less defensive about you.

Of course, these few tricks alone are not enough. Discipline must vary from person to person. Whether your child is a "soft persimmon" or a "hard-core little thorn" depends on the specific situation. If you are the tough-talking kind, you have to be more patient and don't expect to win him over in just one day. I have a neighbor. Her son is a typical "stubborn donkey". Once he insisted on watching a horror movie in the middle of the night. She couldn't persuade her, so she just watched it with him. As a result, the boy was so frightened that he got under her bed in the middle of the night and shouted "Mom, help me!" From then on, he never dared to stay up late again secretly. She told me: "Sometimes you have to let him hit the wall on his own. When he is in pain, he will naturally obey you." This makes sense. Discipline does not have to be head-on. Letting him go occasionally and letting him suffer a small loss can actually make him remember.

Let’s talk about the pitfalls of “pampering” and “strictness”. Doting on this thing is simply a gentle poison. Look at those parents who "depend on their children for everything." On the surface, their children are happy, but as time goes by, they feel that the whole world has to revolve around them. I have a friend who gives his son whatever he wants, but at the age of ten he still can’t put on his own shoes. He always yells “Mom, help me” when he goes out, making him look like a giant baby. Harshness is another extreme. You train your children with a straight face all day long. The children appear to be obedient, but in their hearts they want to run away from home. When I was a child, I had a classmate whose father was a "hard-fisted" type. He would check his homework every day when he came home and would be punished by standing for half an hour if he missed a question. Later, when he got into a good school in the college entrance examination, the first thing he did was to move out and never go home during the holidays. Would you say this is a success? The achievements are there, but the family ties are gone.

Therefore, the ultimate goal of discipline is not to turn your child into an "obedient machine", but to make him willing to communicate with you. You have to make him feel that you are not "the one who cares about him", but "the one who understands him". How to do this? It’s a good idea to listen more and talk less. When your child complains to you about something at school, don't rush to explain it. Listen to him first. Even if what he says is just complaining, nod your head and say, "Oh, that's really annoying." He feels that you are on his side, and he will be willing to chat with you if something happens next time. I have a childhood friend. Her daughter was very rebellious during her adolescence and always quarreled with her. Later, she learned to shut up and listen. Slowly, her daughter changed from "I hate you" to "Mom, what do you think?" This transformation is simply a miracle.

Also, don’t dwell on your child’s shortcomings. We all understand that no one likes to be told "you are not good here and not good there", and the same is true for children. You always say that he is lazy, stupid, and disobedient. Sooner or later, the little fire in his heart will be extinguished by you. Try to praise him more, even if he just cleaned up his job today, you can say exaggeratedly: "Wow, my son is going to be in a Michelin restaurant!" He sounds funny, but does he look a bit proud? As time goes by, he might actually be willing to do more to prove that he is really that powerful.

At this point, you may want to ask: "How much control should I have?" The answer is: it depends on the situation. When children are young, rules must be established, such as not hitting people casually or stealing snacks. These bottom lines must be firm. But when he gets older, you have to slowly let go and let him make his own decisions. Even if he makes a mistake, don't rush to the rescue. I have a friend who insisted on choosing an unpopular major when her son was choosing a major in college. She was anxious to death, but in the end she resisted intervening. As a result, the boy turned the unpopular major into a popular one on his own. Now he is quite grateful that she "didn't interfere." Discipline is not static and must be adjusted as the child grows.

Finally, we have to admit that when a child is disobedient, sometimes it is really not because you have not managed it well, but because he is born with a bit of a "monster" gene. Think about it, weren’t we angry at our parents when we were kids? My mother still remembers when I painted the wall with her lipstick when I was ten years old, and she almost threw me out. So, don’t take it too seriously. There is no perfect answer to the matter of discipline. If your child is disobedient, just try more and smile more. If it doesn't work, just go crazy with him. When he grows up, he might even say to you: "Mom, those tricks you did to me back then were quite funny."

The road to discipline is difficult, but as you go along, you will find that the child's disobedient temper is actually part of his personality. If you don't push him too hard or let him go too loose, he will naturally come closer to you. When that day he takes the initiative to chat with you about school gossip, or asks you "what do you do on the weekend?", you will know that you have almost mastered this level.