In the past, at the end of the year in Beiping City
The bright moon is vast, and people have grown old
In dreams, unaware that I am a guest, the car flows like water, and the horse is like a dragon
Ask
Why must the road be blocked for three to five years, when the dragon swims deep into the abyss
Today, on New Year's Eve, in the heart of the Central Plains
Night shadows weave brocade, adorned with a new face
Stopping my cup to admire the scenery, I want to compose a poem, as snow enters the five mountains and nine directions, cold
Wish
To borrow another five hundred years from heaven, as people say the setting sun is the end of the earth
Some things don't necessarily have to be done at a specific time, like this piece that was originally intended to express feelings during the transition from old to new. In fact, I've written quite a few reflections during this time, to the point where I hesitate to choose between "feelings" or "exclamations"; the former is full of emotion, while the latter adds a touch of disappointment.
I didn't attend the family gathering at noon on the thirtieth; previously, it was because I was living in a different place for work, and this year, I simply didn't want to go. My father asked me to come up with a reason to save face, and I said I was busy with work, too busy to even eat. If he asked why he hadn't seen how much I earned, I already had a response ready. He didn't ask, so I didn't bring it up.
I remember that since my grandmother passed away over ten years ago, I haven't attended any family gatherings. My grandmother must have loved me, but the memories of these years have become increasingly blurred. If I could have grown up by my grandmother's side, I would have been happier than I am now. I wanted to take a deep breath, but I choked halfway, much like every family gathering that leaves me feeling uncomfortable. Recently, I quit drinking, so there's even less reason to attend family gatherings. In the past, this was a reason for my father to show off, and I always thought it was a form of self-acknowledgment. But the discomfort of drinking too much is something only I can bear; saying more would only reveal my own incompetence.
What is the biggest gain of 2023? Seeing through the true nature of certain people but choosing not to expose it, that is maturity. Admitting that my parents don't love me, that is maturity. Learning to turn against those who bully me, that is maturity. Raising myself, that is maturity. It hurts, but it brings joy. Some emotional knots just can't be untied, and some people and things that I still face or remember with discomfort, I will leave to time.
I particularly like the word "commemoration," which carries a sense of hope in facing death. It is more suitable for driving away the "Nian beast" than the sounds of firecrackers outside that rise and fall.
The lights in the church have been lit, a mysterious arrangement, and it is what I long for.
The end