Whenever you feel like it, you can have children. They don't have a clock inside their bodies when they turn 35. They don't need to hear constant ticks. They don't need to hear constant ticks. Whether it's IT. And no matter how many embryos we thaw, no matter how many rounds of IVF we go through, most of the time we just can't wait.
I always know what to do when the time comes. At first, I thought I would have a baby in my 20s like my friends did. Then I wanted to wait until I got married. I also wanted to travel before settling down. Later, I thought I needed a solid and cozy home and a dog, a cat, or both before settling down. Even after having everything I was still looking for excuses. I thought I had to finish writing a book because I couldn't do it with my mirror brain. I had to read pregnancy books, educate myself first, lose weight, and spend enough time. The list goes on.
It would be easier if I didn't want a child. At least I know what to do. But I want them. At least I think so.
Just as there are women who pray for the safe delivery of unborn babies or hope for the next IVF cycle, there are others who make life-changing decisions every day as humans. A child?
- Sarah McKenzie, Image Magazine (Source)
Do I need to have a child ? I read all the books on the subject and scoured the internet for insights I could hold onto. I created all the surveys you prepared and completed endless lists of pros and cons. I constantly questioned my mom friends about the annoying and frustrating things. I really hoped all this research would help me make a decision, but a lot of information wasn't enough.
I was lucky enough to experience baby fever. Suddenly, this intense desire helped me take the leap, but there was never enough time to properly cancel the pants as they arrived. Then, while trying to spend more time with my mom friends, I hoped that "a day in life" would pour out baby fever, but it was the opposite. I couldn't ignore the baby's drooling mouth, the smell of rebellious diarrhea, and the constant need for attention. I hated it all. Even during my pregnant granddaughter's time, it didn't evoke the joy of fertility, especially after revealing that being with a child was far from a blessing. Overall, it got worse because of the depth. I knew I wanted my child someday.
Every day, several times a day, it comes back and forth like this. As I think I'm not ready to have a child, I imagine a boy chasing our poor cat under the sofa for some reason and passing through the living room with his butt sticking out. Laugh. Or I imagine myself holding a baby with the softest porcelain skin, gently tickling him, smiling at me. Even as I write this, I can't help shake the baby in the crib next to me because I'm rushing to finish this last sentence before he wakes up. I want to read what I wrote to him, transfer the love of the story, and empower him to make one of his days someday. I hate missing out on many potential happy moments with less happy people. But there are so many things.
What I fear most is once you're pregnant, you can't change your mind anymore. Above. Kaboosh. Life as you know it stops existing right there in the second. If you're lucky, you might get morning sickness right away. And throwing up won't stop for the longest three. The only good thing about it is that you'll lose a few pounds in the process. But it will triple later and you won't lose it again. I won't be able to sit comfortably, but I'll be able to fart in any position (even beat my husband). People on the street will think I have some kind of disease because my back hurts too much. I'll have to walk barefoot until the end of pregnancy because my feet hurt too much. And that's before delivery.
If I'm lucky, it will take about 20 hours for delivery if it's not me, and it will be a total of 24 hours of excruciating time because the epidural won't be completely numb. But finally, finally the baby will come, with shoulders stuck in the pelvis and of course after an emergency C-section. And at first, I wonder what this purple thing is. Because he will look more like an alien than a baby. But I will cry for the first time and my chest will ache. They will put him on me to skin-to-skin for all the poop he's been pooping for the longest 9 months, feeling repulsed and horrified. I will feel things I have never felt before. It will feel like finally clicking into place after a long search. With my baby, it will suddenly feel like everything is worth it. Until I take him home and start a completely new chapter in my life: I will never sleep again.
But that's the way I imagine it.
I recently learned that what happens in a chrysalis is not that a caterpillar grows wings and turns into a butterfly, but rather, the caterpillar turns into a mush. It collapses, and from this mushy place, a new creature grows. Why doesn't anyone talk about the mush? Or how, because of the change, we should have nothing for a while. That's where you are right now. Your life is terrible right now. But if you don't try and escape, you might eventually emerge as a butterfly. On the other hand, you won't be a butterfly at all. Maybe you'll become a caterpillar again. Or maybe you'll always be stupid."
- Sheila Heti, Motherhood
I wish I could say I'm ready to be a mother, but is there really anyone who can truly be? Maybe there's a reason our ticking clocks push us into childbirth without waiting around like men. If I hadn't heard the ticking sound, I probably wouldn't keep choosing it. Having a baby is terrible and involves too much pain and sacrifice. And the scariest part about it is that it never stops, not that it keeps coming. From crying infants to toddlers with bumps, you can't change them, let alone remember not calling you. Absorbed teens or busy adults won't say anything. What women sign up for is a life sentence. But why? Probably because what you get is much more than what you give up.
What you get is much more than what you give up.
The truth is, I want to see my baby waking up in the crib next to me right now. Or maybe I'll read to him someday.