A year ago, I participated in the treatment course and deliberately changed the theme from the problem. "I noticed that there was a little facial hair in these photos. What do you think about this?" I shared two images with the therapist and I shared two images with the therapist. Essence They showed my hair, my eyes and thin upper lips, my ears. They also showed her asking me. These photos were men, and I was not one at the time. This question makes me feel very uncomfortable because I don't want to admit-to her or myself-how many stubbles I want on my face.
The image I shared is a AI generated from a application, which turns your basic selfie into "professional avatars". When the application requires me to choose gender, provide men, women, and other people, I chose other people, hoping that my 100 images are the weird AI mixtures of hermathoga or men and women's facial structures and clothes. AI is known for its ability to stay in the gray area.
After studying the semester on Twitter, I have been identifying and becoming non -binary files. This is not only required by young people, but it feels good enough for a while. Both men and men are not men, nor are women. I'm not sure, I didn't find the file. This is safe because I can get rid of women, women, and not truly promising anything else that will cause parents to refuse. I'm not ready to let go. (Someone really prepared to love them without conditions?) But in the few days when I obtained these images from the application, I found that I couldn't stop watching them. The image of the youth heart disease in the bedroom before my adolescence was not because I was fascinated by them, but because they were the goal. I want to look like them. I held my phone in my hand and stared at me with stubble, imagining what might be.
"Very good, I think." I finally responded to my therapist with my favorite non -commissioned answer, and then we turned to another theme.
The fact is that stubble is everything. We both want it and are afraid of this in the same way. For a long time, I have been ridiculed, insulted, insulted, reviewed, and unacceptable objects, such as the smallest things, such as preferring to wear my hair short or male clothing. Many women choose to do innocent things. If I dare to show my rejection with intentional facial hair, I will face her rejection. I saw her laugh at her Facebook friend's post, and I was desperately trying to not be in her laughter throughout my life. I don't need to come out, she knows how she will react.
But those images of watching them and imagining themselves are better than the cruel pain of the mother. I have attracted this idea and image than before. Three weeks later, I was sitting in the living room and holding a testosterone injection kit from the FOLX on the leg. After a 30-minute discussion, I had a week of discussion with my new gender. I will start the micro-dose -injecting a small testosterone to start to change. I will slowly become men. I hope my parents will not notice for a long time. Extend my inevitable rejection.
How do I know that my body will receive testicular hormones in such a warm way. Even in the micro -doses of the most micro -dose, I will still reach the level of testicular hormones that are equivalent to the cosmetic male, and my changes are just gradually? Last year, I wrote about the awareness of these AI images, and how they shifted from them/they to him/his transformation. In that article, I talked about my friends. This was the first person I told me to tend to tend to him/his first person, and his instant acceptance of me, there was no problem.
My partner's response is very similar. I asked her one morning, and I hope it looks very cold: "How do you feel about a cross -gender man?"
"I feel good about cross -gender men. I hope they are happy and become the best person they feel." She told me.
It felt a bit bold, I followed up. "If I am a cross -sex person, what will you feel?"
"Well, I want to explore this with you, because I also hope you are happy. Are you cross -gender?" She asked.
When this problem comes from others, this problem always feels like a kind of allegations. People want to force me when there is no popular person at all. However, my partner's inquiry feels like an invitation, I long for it to explore with her.
My parents did not refuse me (not yet), but decided to deny life. Now, my voice matches my brother's voice, and my body changes are far beyond the definition of exercise muscle. A person did not know me before, nor did I notice that I had changed and continued. But in their world, I am still their daughter. My name and pronouns have not changed them, and I know that it is better than trying to persist.
Before shooting my first testosterone, I thought I had rejected my truth, and my identity would make me unhappy. I think I need my entire world to know and respect who I become, or my identity will not be able to achieve and effective.
Although the world is still annoying to my gender, I have everything I need to believe and remind me that I am effective. My gender is real.
Although I am obsessed with facial hair dialogue with the therapist, since I started testicular hormones, my treatment time has become the cornerstone to maintain my mental health, although it may not be the most obvious reason.
The relationship between the therapist is strange. Among those who work well, they know the worst things you and you know about them. Contrary to the relationship between people who know all your knowledge. My partner, the therapist entered my rehabilitation room. After anesthesia from the recent surgery, I announced: "This is my second favorite therapist!"
She made some offenders, and she asked who and who was. I obviously explained to her that my therapist was because she "likes dogs, is a brain guide." This is the best and best I experienced. The worst thing, and the happiness that can feel my voice on my chest, this is the sum of my personal information. With all your hidden dandruff and secret understanding, this is the work of a therapist. It can be tapped in chaos, poking and products to help you explore And understand yourself.
If I was inconvenient to wait for my the therapist to leave for a few weeks to decide to start testicular hormones, then I might be asked about my choice. It is not a negative or rejection way, but to explore and feel my feelings about this. I need to avoid longer facial hair problems. I don't want to explore my feelings about this. I just want to accept this consciousness, that is, I have been in trouble on the cliff throughout my life, and I am immersed in the rare joy for me at that time.
Even the best intentions I approached, I have doubts about my new identity. Some are because I don't have planning or thinking, or it is everywhere, which seems to be my problem. transparent
But like my partner, others just want to understand and share happiness with me. However, any question about inquiries is like a question about me decided to use the toilet question after traveling in a long road. This is something I need in my body and mind, and I have to discuss further. Of course, I am doing this, which is completely reasonable.
This is exactly what I got from the therapist. No problem, no need to explain or defend my seemingly hasty choice. It's just that this part is accepted as a basis. With many others pointing out that the time between me as a transsexual and starting hormone therapy is very short-precisely three weeks-she has never questioned.
In the whole year I have been on testicular hormones, even if I may not be able to pass public occasions as a man, my male sex can still be used as a place where the facts exist. Of course, we have discussed my family's very complicated feeling of male temperament, but it is not weakening my truth, what my existence. We only discuss it as my biggest obstacle to me, and it is the main reason why I arrived here in 40 years.
For many supporters, my body has become something to comment and often ask. From the existence of a conventional way to the existence of a conventional way, I must constantly quote my body to educate and inform those who ask. In treatment, I can become freely. Enjoy my body without explaining it.
Since the beginning of testicular hormones, my gender confirmation of nursing providers and therapists has become unpleasant. My former primary health doctor-the only one I found will actually believe in my body and listen to my doctor-learned that I started to start testicular hormones and hope to change my name and gender in the patient's information: "Oh oh I'm sorry, I'm not kind ... Those. "
In the recent dental cleaning, when my dentist put her hand in my mouth, my dentist felt the stubble on my chin instead of approaching this kind of attention in a curiosity or sympathy, but It's a teasing menopause and chin. I miss my veterinarian in Chicago. Although this relationship is completely around my dog, they provide me with formal space to identify non -binary and provide "MX". As a choice. My current veterinarian does not have such a product. The changes that they noticed in each visit will always cause me to be asked if I am sick. Even in accepting people, the lack of empathy and understanding is shocking.
In my mistakes, she/she is based on a glance or a joke. She/her Ed is nonsense on the road of surgery-therapy has become my shelter.
My voice was deepened, my muscles became more clear, my face hair had begun to grow, and my hands and arms now have a prominent vein, and the new shoulder span makes the shirt different. My body is men's forms one by one, bringing me new happiness every day. Although my body and brain have experienced every change since the beginning of testicular hormones, sitting twice a week with the therapists on the other side of the screen, sitting on the chair is still the most affordable part of my day. Because we don't have to talk about it. My choice, my truth, has never been questioned, poke or stimulates, I often remind me that in fact I am a white man, even in those days when you feel not real. Essence
In order to cover the nursing of gender, many insurance companies need to diagnose gender irritability from psychological health providers. I think the old white people made these decisions sitting in the conference room, smoking and drinking coffee with a foam polystyrene cup, thinking that they would attract the therapists across the country to ask our transgender. If we are satisfied with this issue, we will change our minds. It must be regarded as a disease or personality disorder, and only then they can cover certain gender affirmation costs. I also imagine that these people can freely accept Viagra (can also be sure of gender care) without having to seek for many years of treatment, and as a man with erectile dysfunction, the person who has disclosed himself and career life in his personal and professional life ("Hi, I am, I am, I, I I can't stand in Bob, I am from Aklen, Ohio. ")
I have necessary diagnosis. Although my therapist thinks it is as ridiculous as me, it still puts it in my treatment plan. Although my gender has never been regarded as pathology, diagnosis to check all the appropriate boxes is like a small victory. Insurance decision makers and its Viagra's double finger. In my opinion, things that diagnose and record in your medical records show that this is what you suffer, this is a problem, and finally solve and finally solve it. I have thyroid dysfunction after the treatment. I suffered joint damage to juvenile special arthritis for more than 35 years. Both of these situations are in my medical history and must be monitored and managed. Both of them are not any part of my identity.
My gender is not bothering me, nor is it to manage. This is something that can be enjoyed, hug and celebrate. I wake up every day, remember that I want to be a boy! Then remind me that I have joint pain and no thyroid gland. They are different. Although many places in the world like to look at my gender with the same vision as the hypothyroidism and arthritis, I still have my gender enjoyment in two hours every week. Essence