If every time I leave is to better become myself, then every return is to ground myself, to repair in real life. For me, my parents are my best practice partners.
I have written several times about my parents' obsession with live shopping. In the past two years, every time I return home, I experience seeing different types of items I haven't seen before, and I can only repeat the process of adjusting my mindset, learning how to handle it more wisely.
This time I came back, my mom seems to have stopped shopping online, but seeing her wearing new clothes, I know her interests are not as broad as my dad's, who I call a shopping addict, still brings home several packages every day. Yesterday, after I saw more than ten bottles of flaxseed oil and olive oil of various sizes on the storage room shelf, I finally couldn't hold back and asked my dad why he was hoarding oils that can easily go bad. After a heated debate, I chose to keep quiet as he wished.
I didn't keep quiet out of frustration, but because I realized my anger was not only towards my dad but also towards myself for living with my parents at my age, the lack of freedom between us stems from my inability to live independently, which is something I cannot solve at the moment. I can only choose to submit and respect my dad's lifestyle as the financial provider.
Today, after my dad brought back several packages, he went downstairs again in the afternoon to retrieve a pot. If I remember correctly, this is the third pot he has bought this year, and we already have a complete set of various pots including cast iron, stainless steel, clay, steaming, and rice cookers. I asked him why he needed to buy another one, and he replied that this is a titanium steel pot, very light, and opened the packaging to show me the pot, pouring water into it and turning it around to show me it’s non-stick! I was stunned!
I looked closely at the pot and confirmed it was just a pot with a non-stick coating, and the light material was even more suspicious; it might just be aluminum with a non-stick coating. So, I asked my dad for the pot's manual, which was printed very roughly, the explanation was vague, and it didn't mention the material at all, making me more certain that this was a product without any quality assurance. I stated my reasons clearly and asked how much the pot cost, to which my dad replied forty yuan! I was shocked!
Dad said this was a special offer after a trade show, and I said this kind of tactic has been played for decades, and you still believe it! After I explained my reasoning, my dad no longer insisted and agreed to return it. Two hours later, the courier came to pick up the pot, and I couldn't help but think that I should have done this the last time I saw him buy a pot!
Of course, this is something that cannot be reversed. My understanding was still at the stage of not interfering with my dad's freedom, but I didn't consider the continuous shopping actions of my dad and their impact on family space, assets, and cohabitants. If we do not stop this action, we will become accomplices to it. Thus, I also understood why there are so many protests and demonstrations in the world; when we do not put ourselves in others' shoes, we have no right to speak.
Additionally, when I learned to observe my own emotions, I found that even if I used words to stop my dad's shopping actions, I had much more room to maneuver; I could get angry without being controlled by that anger. Just like after I chose to keep quiet, I quickly started joking with my parents, and my anger did not affect our lives and relationships.
After each conflict, I tell my dad that I know he can't guarantee he won't shop online, but at least he should be aware of why he shops online, whether it is out of desire or need, and he should be aware of his desires, slowly detaching from them. Today, I added a suggestion to identify the quality of items and decisively return those that are not good. He agreed with my suggestion, so even though I still occasionally hear my dad lingering in various shopping live streams these days, I am no longer as irritated as I used to be.
Am I not also fighting against desires on different levels? Just like this time when I went out, I realized I had a need to be needed by others, which is a desire to enjoy being needed. It drives me to throw myself into it without regard for everything else, losing my own freedom. This time in Beijing, helping a friend move, while I was trying my best to assist in this matter, I forgot my main task, which not only caused me physical exhaustion but also made me miss an opportunity to develop my own career. I can only say that the book "The Truth" is really powerful; what it describes as impractical is exactly a reflection of my state of being needed. Fortunately, I continuously became aware of this part of myself while trying to balance my actions, and the result of that balance is seeing new opportunities unfold, for which I am grateful.
Today, a friend called me and said that this process of practical cultivation is too difficult. She just had an argument with her nemesis—her daughter, and the more she thought about it, the angrier she became, even venting her anger on her husband. At the same time, she also became aware of her anger towards herself. I didn't ask her what her anger towards herself was about, but I shared my awareness of my own anger with her, hoping she knows she is not alone.
Unlike my friend, I no longer feel that experiencing these challenges is too difficult. They can trigger my emotions, but they cannot control me to do things contrary to love. Just like yesterday when I wrote a review for "Inside Out 2," I understand that various emotions come to help us experience our lives. We often focus only on the problems and forget that even when we are stuck in the mud, we can still enjoy the peace and freedom deep within our souls. This is a completeness that is inherently ours and cannot be taken away by external circumstances. What I need to do is to love.
Yes, to love! Who can say that my "guidance" to my dad about shopping is not love? Unless we understand allowing unrestrained indulgence as love, love is originally meant to promote the perfection of each other's personalities in relationships. From this perspective, my "guidance" does not involve self-judgment, and for my dad, I also feel more compassion, allowing him to go through many experiences just like I did before he can grow.
The process is really not easy and can be uncomfortable, but this pain will open up our ability to perceive beauty and small things. At the same time, we will face many uncertainties, learning how to gently and firmly stand by ourselves, becoming our strongest support. Gradually, we will understand that this is the necessary path to maturity and the perfection of our personalities!
Only by enduring these high-level hardships can we understand the grace of a cup of water, a breath of air, and a bowl of rice; if we only pursue the satisfaction of our own desires, constantly enjoying the pleasure of instant gratification, then our threshold for happiness will only get higher and higher, making it increasingly difficult to feel small joys!
May we always hold a grateful heart, step by step bringing our inner selves to life, and encourage each other!