From the moment we are born, we are immersed in various relationships, the most immediate being our relationship with our family of origin. This not only concerns our parents but also the relationships with members of both families, as well as the various relationships our parents engage in within their environment, all of which inevitably impact our lives.
This morning, while mopping the floor, I suddenly remembered my childhood visits to my grandmother's house in Wuhan. My grandmother lived in an old alley on Hanzheng Street, where there were rows of wooden houses. She lived on the second floor, which had a narrow black wooden staircase. Every time I went upstairs, the floor would creak, as if it were going to crack open and swallow me.
What was even scarier was that my uncle, who lived with my grandmother, would always scare me by saying he would "throw me into the dark stairwell." A few times, he really pretended to lift me up while I was crying loudly, hanging me in the dark hallway. Although he never actually let me fall, this became a shadow of my childhood.
Today I was thinking that it was precisely because my parents never stopped him that I formed a way of thinking: I couldn't rely on my parents. This might explain why, at the age of eight, I ended up mediating their relationship.
Therefore, relationships—whether familial, among relatives, friendships, or romantic relationships—are an indispensable part of our growth process. However, these relationships are not always sunny; sometimes they are also mirrors of our inner world, reflecting our deepest fears, desires, and insecurities.
Relationships, especially those we cannot escape, such as family relationships, often become the touchstone for our self-awareness. In these relationships, we may find ourselves bound by certain thoughts and emotions, which often stem from how we have been influenced by the past, thus forming projections of external influences.
Today, a friend sent me a quote from Hu Yinmeng—"Relationships" are the best tools for growth. The effectiveness of this "relationship" in achieving growth is love. If two people cannot achieve growth, they are consuming each other, just like we see in life, the "battles" between parents and children, the "exploitation" between spouses, all of which have nothing to do with love. True love somewhat contradicts human nature; human needs are mostly objectified, viewing the other as something that can be satisfied. How to transcend this objectifying tendency and develop a deeper willingness that goes against objectified human nature is very difficult.
I strongly agree with this viewpoint; human nature always tends to prioritize self-interest. Only when one's own needs are met can there be a possibility of overflowing and benefiting others. A few days ago, I read an article about Yu Xiuhua, which mentioned her viewpoint that love is a capability rather than an instinct. This coincides with my previous point that even self-interest is a capability, not an instinct.
Human nature often first focuses on its own needs and interests. This is a common psychological and behavioral pattern because, when facing survival and life challenges, people naturally prioritize their own safety and well-being.
People need to develop this capability through learning, growth, and experience accumulation. It is not an innate instinct but is gradually formed through the process of socialization.
Love requires us to learn how to express, how to give, how to understand others, and how to find balance in relationships. This is a skill that can be improved through practice and reflection.
When an individual's basic needs are met, they may begin to pay attention to the needs of others, exhibiting altruistic behavior. When people feel safe and satisfied, they are more likely to show care and generosity towards others.
So when we start to truly perceive the patterns and dynamics within these relationships, we can begin to understand our own behaviors and reactions. This awareness is not simple self-criticism but a profound self-understanding. Through this understanding, we can see how we are limited by inherent thought patterns and emotional responses, thus having the opportunity to liberate ourselves from them.
In relationships, love is a powerful force that can promote individual growth and development. When two people can support, learn, and grow with each other in a relationship, that relationship is filled with love. Conversely, if two people are merely consuming each other's energy in a relationship, then that relationship has lost the essence of love. True love is about growth; it is about becoming a better self when two people are together.
When we realize the constraints we have in relationships, we have the opportunity to reshape these relationships. This is not just about changing how we interact with others but also about changing how we view ourselves and the world. In this way, we can approach every moment in life with a different, more positive, and conscious attitude.
For many years after childhood, my impression of my uncle was influenced by my childhood experiences, making it easier for me to view him and his family with a negative mindset. Because of family matters, I harbored resentment towards them for many years, until I grew up. Especially in recent years, through my interactions with him, I felt that he values family ties very much. Many of the things I resented in the past were also due to projections and were not absolute truths. Moreover, my beliefs have truly taught me what compassion and tolerance are, allowing me to gradually adjust my prejudices and genuinely start to respect him and my aunt (my uncle's wife) from the heart.
Relationships are the best tools for our growth; they provide a platform for us to deeply understand ourselves and have the opportunity to transcend old patterns. By becoming aware of and understanding these relationships, we can reclaim our power and live and love in a whole new way. This is not only a reshaping of relationships but also a reshaping of the self, allowing us to continuously move forward on the path of love and growth.