Sometimes, being fierce can be terrifying, to the point that even I am aware of it; many people do not understand why I delete all contact information of alumni and classmates after finishing school, and why I almost delete colleagues every time I change jobs after starting work; from middle school to high school, none of my classmates who spent day and night together understood my views on things; and even in college, where I often see alumni and classmates, reminiscing about the past is merely a fleeting encounter, with few being someone I could easily call to have a meal or drink milk tea with.

Even among the seven people in the same dormitory, they play video games together day and night, while I seem out of place in terms of interests and hobbies; at that time, there were a total of eight of us, five of whom were Hakka, the remaining two were Cantonese, and one was a Chaoshan person with half Hakka ancestry. When discussing certain matters, my views would often be overshadowed by their majority, turning black into white. When I first entered school, I wasn't used to speaking Mandarin, and sometimes I would reflexively speak Cantonese, only to be "corrected" by the Hakka person from Pingyuan, Li Jisheng, who would say, "Speak human language!"

The other Pingyuan people, Lai Zhi, Meixian person Huang Jialin, Heyuan person Qiu Fule, and Huizhou person Zhu Xinqi, remained silent, but I could only feel their hidden glee as my bloodline awakened; while Chaoshan person Huang Zongda and Zhanjiang Poto person Zhou Huaxin were even more "oblivious." Zhou, being a Cantonese and the dorm leader, never took charge of the situation, so I only appreciated his generosity and kindness, but never respected him as a person. Every night during my four years in college, I had the same dream, which was of my great-grandmother, who had passed away many years ago, speaking in the dialect of my hometown, specifically the Taishan Shenjing dialect from the Four Counties, recounting the scene of the local Hakka and native conflict in a concise and vivid manner.

This was also the indirect reason for my breakup with my first girlfriend from my student days, who was also my last girlfriend from school, my first girlfriend in life, Wang Minhua, a Hakka from Huacheng, Guangzhou. My great-grandmother once said that back then, as soon as they discovered a guest in a village, they would set fire to their fields and houses, sharpening bamboo poles to stab their young brothers to death—this in primitive society, inter-ethnic violence was only to compete for limited resources and land, while internal ethnic struggles were even more so, with a level of brutality that surpassed "native and guest conflicts."

But I still have a strong interest in learning to speak Hakka, sing Hakka songs, and eat Hakka food—the purpose is simply to have opportunities for cooperation with friendly Hakka people. Were not the Hakka soldiers who charged to the front lines and sacrificed themselves during the Anti-Japanese War, as well as the overseas Hakka who donated and built their fortunes, national heroes?

This is also the reason why I felt a complete lack of belonging to the school as I approached graduation, because the self I was at that time and the self I am today share the same body; I cannot let the self of that time die. After graduation, the people from the same dormitory went their separate ways, and when I boarded the bus for the last time to leave school and return home, I felt that emotionally severing ties with the campus was the only way to forgive my roommates for their faults.

After graduation, there were gatherings every two years, and I realized that the paths we had taken were not the same, and when we sat together to talk, we could not resonate with each other, so we all thought the others were foolish and dull. Thus, my thoughts and actions did not gain recognition from those once considered "closest and dearest," and I began to add them one by one to my WeChat blacklist, which was the greatest release for myself.

This feeling is like having a malignant tumor on my body; allowing it to parasitize will only worsen my pain. When there is no ether to use as anesthesia, I have to grit my teeth and cut it off. Even though the pain is temporary, time will dilute it, and I will feel a sense of physical and mental relief. Why should others understand?