Behind the marriage promise "no matter how poor or rich" not only contains mutual commitment between husband and wife, but also implies the acceptance and responsibility for each other's original families. When we choose a person, we are also choosing to be part of his family. The spouse's attitude towards his partner's parents often reveals the true quality of marriage better than sweet words.
1: Extension of responsibility in marriage - love you, including your family
The traditional Chinese concept of family emphasizes "love the house and the mistress". Marriage is never just a combination of two people, but a connection between two families. From a legal perspective, adult children have legal obligations to support, assist and protect their parents (Article 26 of the Civil Code). When parents are in danger, their children have the obligation to help, and the spouse, as a member of the family, should also support their partners in fulfilling this obligation.
Those healthy marriage relationships often show tolerance and support for each other's original families. The practice of a couple in Hangzhou is worth learning from: When Chen Jianguo and his wife were over 70 years old and needed their children's care, their children did not compete for dominance, but discussed together through family meetings to respect their parents' wishes while sharing responsibilities. This model not only reflects respect for elders, but also shows tacit understanding and cooperation between husband and wife.
The responsibility in marriage is like a net, connecting the people closest to each other. To love someone, you should stand up when the person he dearest needs help. This is not an extra burden, but a natural extension of love.
2: True love when crisis: Parents’ attitudes when needed reveal the quality of marriage
When the partner’s parents are in trouble, the spouse’s reaction is like a mirror that reflects the true status of the marriage. Your mother-in-law refuses to be sent to the hospital for treatment after her grandmother fell down. Behind this indifference is a complete escape from family responsibility.
In contrast, those successful marriage stories often share common characteristics. In a micro novel, the husband refused to invest in the treatment of his mother-in-law in his early years. 15 years later, when his mother was in bed and needed care, the wife responded with the same words: "Your mother is not my mother, why should I pay for it?" Surprisingly, the mother-in-law took out her pension money to help her son-in-law and said, "We are all a family." This tolerance and great love finally resolved the family gap and made the relationship between husband and wife return to harmony.
At the end of the marriage, it is all about character. When passion fades, life tests the sense of responsibility and kindness of both parties. Those who are indifferent to the other party’s family when they need help often lack responsibility in other aspects of marriage.
Three: Imbalance between power and responsibility: Moral obligations of the controller of family resources
Your mother-in-law controls the family's financial power, and even holds the grandmother's minimum living allowance, but it disappears when the elderly need it - this is a typical imbalance of power and responsibility. The resource controller in the family should bear the corresponding care responsibilities, otherwise it will lead to chaos and injustice in the family system.
There is a close relationship between economic independence and family discourse power. After a woman in Beijing promoted her manager's income exceeded her husband's, her family decision-making changed from "husband-led" to "joint consultation". Changes in economic capacity do affect the family’s power structure, but no matter how resources are allocated, the responsibility for caring for elders should not be ignored.
Power in marriage is not only a kind of control, but also a sense of responsibility. Those who only want to enjoy power but evade responsibility will eventually undermine the balance of the family and damage the foundation of marriage.
Four: The bonds of the original family: priority in marriage
The relationship between husband and wife should be the core relationship of the family. When your mother-in-law chooses to take care of the children at her uncle's house for a long time, but ignores the needs of her husband and grandmother-in-law, she actually breaks the priority that a healthy family should have.
Modern families need to establish a proper sense of boundaries. The "one bowl of soup distance" model implemented in Chengdu (the distance between parents and children will not be cold) has reduced family conflicts by 40%, and the "three no principles" of Chongqing families (not making decisions on behalf of others/not intervening in quarrels/not evaluating privacy) has reduced conflicts by 57%. These data suggest that proper intergenerational distance contributes to family harmony.
Marriage requires us to find a balance between our original family and our new family. A complete bias towards either party will lead to an imbalance in the relationship. The ideal state is to maintain connection with the original family and ensure the core position of the husband-wife relationship.
5: Silent conspiracy: When "not turning against each other" becomes indulgence
Your father-in-law advised her husband not to care about his mother-in-law, and worried that "it will only be more dangerous to turn against each other." This mentality has actually become a silent complicity. Escape from conflict sometimes only worsens the problem, which eventually leads to tragedy like Grandma.
Healthy marriages require the establishment of effective conflict resolution mechanisms. Research shows that 89% of couples’ disputes remain at the level of “fighting right and wrong”, and 60% of parent-child conflicts stem from “misplaced efforts.” Learning to discuss things, express feelings rather than blame, and seek win-win solutions are essential to maintaining family harmony.
Sometimes, non-conflict does not mean harmony, and may be the result of excessive compromise on one side. Long-term repressed dissatisfaction will eventually erupt in a more destructive way, causing irreparable harm to the marriage.
6: Reconstructing the responsibility and care in marriage
Faced with similar family difficulties, we need to take a multi-pronged approach, from communication, boundary setting to responsibility allocation, and comprehensively adjust the family interaction model.
Candid communication is the basis for resolving family conflicts. Regularly hold "Family Meeting Days" to give every family member the opportunity to express his opinions. This institutionalized communication mechanism can avoid the accumulation of problems and resolve conflicts in a timely manner.
Clarifying division of labor and responsibilities is another important link. The practices of a couple in Shanghai are worth learning from: "big matters" such as children's education and elderly care, and "small matters" such as daily housework are divided into their respective labor, and whoever is responsible will make decisions. This clear division of responsibility reduces unnecessary disputes.
Learning to be grateful and express recognition is also crucial. The older generation may convey care through washing and cooking, while the younger generation needs more language affirmation. Understanding each other's emotional expression methods and actively expressing gratitude to your partner can strengthen the emotional bond of marriage.
Conclusion: Love in marriage is reflected in action
Going back to the original question – if the spouse doesn’t lend a helping hand to his partner’s parents when he is capable, does he really love himself? The answer is obvious: love is not just sweet words, but also practical actions; it is not just the romance of the moment, but also long-term responsibility and responsibility.
Marriage is not just a simple life between two people, but a joint creation of a community that supports and inclusively supports each other. This community includes not only the two of you, but also the families and relatives behind each other. Those who choose to lend a helping hand when the other party’s family needs help are using their actions to prove the depth and breadth of love.
A healthy marriage requires that both husband and wife can treat each other's family as their own and provide appropriate help and support within their abilities. This is not an infinite sacrifice, but a reasonable care based on love and responsibility.
Ultimately, the value of marriage is not only reflected in the relationship between husband and wife, but also in how to treat the people closest to each other. When the other parent needs help, your choice not only defines your character, but also defines the quality of your marriage. After all, to love someone, you must love everything about him—including his journey when he came and the person he loved the most.